Just so that you know where I’m coming from on the subject of astrology and relationships  – if you think that this article is going to give you the magic formula for identifying  your “perfect” mate or even “soul” mate, then stop reading right now, because it isn’t.

There are many publications that suggest by following certain rules, such as your Mars with their Venus, you will have the perfect marriage. However, life, as everyone knows, isn’t actually like that. The only people who use these traditional rules are those whose job it is to arrange marriages in traditional societies – and yes, they too have divorce in those cultures as well.

So, what can I tell two people who have found each other and say they’re in love and ask me if this person is “The One”? 

The key is astro-attraction. Why did A attract B into their emotional radar? This is often shown on the chart based on the birth moment, by the planet ruling the house of marriage, planets placed there and aspects to the Sun and Moon. When put together they paint a picture of what someone expects from their intimate relationships – and as a result, what they will get. Attraction equals expectation enacted in your life – not because the Universe is out to get you, but in order that you understand what it is your unconscious wants you to recognise and get – then you have a choice. 

In other words, by understanding your motives, you can then be clear and take positive action that create positive results.

Another myth is the one about your Sun on his/her Moon or vice versa – it really is a myth. In fact, I know many people who are in long term relationships with this combination. However, they can’t get away from each other for love or money because the aspect can bind  them together no matter what. Great in the 19th Century when the Swiss psychologist Carl Jung sang the praises of this cross aspect on the charts of married couples that he had researched. Great because it maintained the status quo.

Today, however, we want much more from our relationships than maintenance of the status quo and why are we not getting it?

It is suggested in the “easy astrology” pages in magazines that people with their Sun signs in the same element will really get on together and understand each other and that those with their Suns opposite will not. Rubbish! Can you imagine two people with their fiery Suns slugging out the ego wars that such a combination can bring? Or two watery types swimming around in their emotional soups? Or two earthy souls getting stuck in a rut? Or two airy chatterers who can only talk about commitment but never quite manage to do it? And it has to be said that sometimes these combinations do work out really well together.

Believe me there’s a lot more to relating than that. And just to finish the above idea, opposite signs can actually complement one another and fill in some of those gaps that we all have.

So, here’s a more complex astrological rule – the sign that is 6 or 8 signs away from your own is said to create difficulties. William Lilly, in his 18th century book “Christian Astrology” suggested that “these signs can never regard each other.” That is largely because the energies of one sign are inimical to the other sign. For example, Sagittarius Sun and either Taurus or Cancer – the desire for freedom that drives Sagittarians out into the world, the “don’t fence me in attitude” finds the Taurean drive for security or the Cancerian desire to bond and merge, too limiting for personal comfort.  

And yet – and here’s the thing – a great many people with those very combinations tend to form long term relationships. Why would anyone do that, we have to ask? Form an intimate partnership with someone whose energy seems to come at them from their blind side? Interesting, isn’t it? 

I am talking of Sun signs here – but it can be the same with Moon signs and with Ascendant signs, too. It’s the archetypal energy tied up in the sign that I’m really talking about here. And that’s where things get really interesting. Could it be that what we may be attracting into our lives offers an opportunity to live out something deeper and more meaningful than just the obvious?  

If we go back to the Sagittarian, dying to take off to Alaska “just because it’s there” with their Taurean partner quaking at the thought of change, then we can see a recipe for disaster – perhaps. But if they can each appreciate where the other is coming from and not get caught up in recriminations, Sagittarius will always come home and Taurus will have learned to trust a little more.

We need to tease out why restless Sagittarius would choose steady Taurus in the first place and what drew Taurus to such an invigorating person to share life with.  I think relationships are “supposed” to help us explore our potential that exists at the level beyond personality. This is the “meta level” of understanding – if you imagine being able to look down on yourself from the vantage point of a hill top, things can look very different because you experiencing a certain distance on your life. And it is this hilltop view that  can enable these two signs to start to regard each other, rather than just tolerating each other. So, at the “meta” level, maybe Sagittarius is aware that fire and enthusiasm can burn itself out without the the long view and loyalty Taurus can provide.  And  Taurus gets to appreciate a broader world view without even having to leave home. 

Another good example is Gemini and Scorpio: Another recipe for disaster? Or an opportunity for growth?  Scorpio can offer Gemini an insight into the power and value of their emotions while Gemini can help Scorpio lighten up a little and learn to laugh at life.

Many of these combinations occur naturally in families as well – a Cancerian child with an Aquarian parent, for example.  This could create a childhood where emotional needs are not valued; or one that teaches that humanity itself needs to be valued. Yes, it could be a difficult lesson to learn – but if we accept the Law of Attraction and the possibility that we may choose our lifetime and our parents – then we have to accept that there is a “meta” level operating here and extract meaning from it.

While on paper as it were, “these signs may not regard each other”,  they offer huge opportunities for understanding each other in the actual living of it. Astrology does not give reasons to say things like “I can’t stand Leos” as my mother famously commented. She had completely blanked out the fact that her beloved sculptor father was in fact a Leo. Hmm, you might think – I did! That kind of simplistic misuse of astrology really keeps us small and narrow.  

With these insights we can begin to unravel the whole process of being in relationship – why we are attracted to someone and why we attracted them, for instance. The idea that there may be such things as “psychogenes” may explain why we constantly attract the same type of person into our lives. And we do it unconsciously – we attract without even knowing that we are doing it. For example, my father, who was dead before I was born, was a Gemini and I married a Gemini – before I knew anything about astrology. Did I learn a lot? You bet! 

Relationships are necessary to our well-being and health – without them we can be miserable.  And while it’s fair to say that some signs seem more able to accept a solitary lifestyle, they still need to interact with others. In fact, some signs are happy to lead a lonely life within the bosom of their family. However, as long as others can appreciate that it’s just the way they are and let them be – then everyone can be happy.  

I call it the art of loving lightly – in other words, accepting that others are the way they are  and furthermore, accepting that we are the way we are, too, without trying to become something we are not just to keep the peace. Not easy to do, but vital to happiness. And if we can understand the meta-level of our own relationship choices, the truth can set us free.

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